when does the crying end?

my hunny left the country at 8:35pm yesterday.

we spent the whole morning doing last minute shopping for things he will need there. and during our last few hours together, he gave me some gifts he made for me. he gave me a whole bunch of our pictures together and a cd. and before i knew it, i was crying. i couldn't help it.

i drove him to the airport at around 4:30. it was a slow drive with the rush hour starting and for the first time , i actually enjoyed the traffic and the extra few minutes it was giving me in the car. i guess because we both didnt want the melodrama of crying in the airport, it was pretty uneventful. i got his luggage from the trunk and gave him a last hug. our last i love yous and one more kiss goodbye.

i watched him walk and disappear inside the airport and started to drive away. tears began rolling again and i started crying until i couldn't breathe. all i could do was cry and moan painfully.

he was gone. i was alone. and the home i bought just three years ago suddenly felt too big. i sit on the sofa where we used to cuddle and tears would roll down my cheeks. i can't watch TV and i can't eat. i can't listen to any music. i can't even clean up the house without shedding a few tears. everything around me just reminds me of him and of the fact that he's gone.

i left the house after his last text message before he boarded his plane. i went to a friend's bar and got myself drunk so i can go home and sleep easily. the distraction worked for a while. and i got myself drunk happy and on my way home.

home to where everything reminded me of him again. in the car i cried again, talking to him in between gasps for air and saying things i wished he could hear.

marc, i want you back in my arms.

marc, why do you have to go.

marc, i miss you so much it hurts.

marc, i love you so much.

the first tear has fallen

the other night, i found myself outside crying alone. and it hurt.

three months ago, my lifetime partner of the last six years told me that for him to have a fulfilling career, he has to move out of the country. he will be studying abroad for a few months after which he will pursue his career there.

funny thing was that when he told me about his plans, i wasn't scared. we've been together for too long for me to feel insecure about our love for each other. and i could only be supportive of what he wants so that i can see him happy, fulfilled and whole when we spend the rest of our lives together. but for whatever reason i could put in my head, my heart just feels solid and heavy that it weighs my spirit down.

"don't be sad" he would tell me.

"i can't help it" would always be my answer. and i try to smile.

then the other day, i asked him  to follow up his agent on his flight schedules. we found out he would have t leave one week earlier. i just felt robbed. you know how it feels when you lost something precious and you feel helpless and vulnerable. i felt robbed of the last few remaining hours i can have with him.

"don't be sad" he said again. he said he can't bear knowing that he was the reason i was sad. so bravely i put up a face that all was well with me. and indeed i thought that i can handle it.

we went to bed and we lay down with him in my arms. we talked a little and kidded around a little like we always do. every night. and then he quieted down. his breathing became even and relaxed. and as always, he would snore, letting me know he was deep in his sleep.

in the dark, i could just make out his face and i wondered how i'd ever fall asleep knowing that i would be going through nights soon without looking at it. very very soon. my heart began to turn solid again. heavy. and my eyes begin to sting. one by one my tears began to roll. for a good 10 minutes i just lay there soaking my pillow in tears just because i wanted to look at him.

i couldn't breathe because my tears started blocking my nose. i slowly lifted him off my arms and got up from bed to go outside and blow my nose. when i got to the bathroom, the dam broke. and there i was, crying out the clenched feeling in my chest.

i was willing myself to stop so that i wouldn't wake him up. but i could still hear myself moaning like i was hearing another man in pain. i wanted so much to wake him up to have someone to share my pain with. but i didn't want him to know that his leaving was hurting me.

everyday since then, my heart wrenches whenever i realize that he wouldn't be beside me with the things i took for granted. i wouldn't have a hand to hold while i drive around. i wouldn't have someone to put my arms around when i walk around the mall. i wouldn't have him to wrap my legs around while we lay in bed reading our books.

my heart twists and squeezes more tears for me to shed.

in the dark, i cry alone.